Ahh the memories (:

Personally its been tough this last week for me to realize that my friends have helped me more than i could ever imagine. Honestly I don't know where i would be without my morning 6 am conversations with ashlee where we can talk about anything bitch about the army and know she is the only person who gets me.Our friendship is odd to most, we are pretty ridiculous when were together, running through trailer parks, and not one of the good ones, its like west virginia inbred looking trailer park.  mind you a pregnant girl at 11pm running through a trailer park... yeap! thats my best friend. Not being irritated when she calls me at 7 am on a sunday because i know somethings wrong just by the tone in her voice, random bitch fests we have about stupid people and facebook snooping come on you cant admit you dont do it to.... the one person who hides contact info yet all their pictures are public and the wall is to... hello entertainment!
The one person who didn't ditch me when i left for basic. The girl who didnt spend all her free time talking to my boyfriend... yeahhh still bitter about it..  Most people don't understand the strain the military puts on a relationship and the hardships military couples face, her and Gavin have an amazing marriage and i am happy they have gotten through so many hardships together and are still going strong they are going to make wonderful  parents. Being able to have her to depend on when im just angry and fed up with shit were there for each other, no matter where the army takes us were always gunna be friends, Aiden needs someone to teach him " Oh Puck" and to pick his nose.
I never imagined i would have so many mommy friends at 19.  Its hard to stay friends with people who have kids, your life and there's have different priorities you cant just go off on an adventure, you have to pack diapers, wipes, clothes, and blankets, the car seat.... So much changes when friends get married and have a baby you think your friendship has changed. I think its the people that get the mindset being friends is to much work, I might not have a baby. but i understand the mindset that they have.its gunna be tough but i know she can do it.God has a plan for everything and it might not be the way you expected it to go or even hoped, in the end you have your baby, your always going to be his mom.

Things arent gunna change when she has wittle aiden. We will still sleep through avatar, fold laundry and clean up her house when we hang out, just we will add a few more chores, (:

If I Could Go Anywhere....

I seriously would go back to Virginia, for a multitude of reasons. I also want to go to DC when the cherry blossoms are blooming and walk along the Potomac Even though it is a nasty river, it still is beautiful to look at the monuments an the way they reflect on the water, yet i recommend only walking when the tide is out or you will have some super wet feet.
My motivation for wanting to go to Virginia is a change to be so far away from all the drama and have a start over, there has been sooo much drama i am ready to go far far away, Im really hoping that i will get the opportunity to start fresh, i have family in Virginia and so does Devin so with knowing that we both have family there makes it so much more of a motivation to go there.  I know i will always miss my friends but seriously, i joined the army for the opportunity to get outa this hell hole, i cant escape my past, start fresh where people dont know my story and cant judge by rumors.
Getting away will be awesome and i cant wait. There are always downfalls of moving so far away, but at this point i dont care where the army takes me, i am ready to leave, and not look back.

Facebook.. The world of Drama

So I thought being out of high school drama would end... well as long as i'm using face book there will be drama, and seriously i am tired of taking the blame. I understand i was wrong yet he wasn't at all? OH that's right he can do no wrong, you love him unconditionally. mhm. And him starting shit makes ME responsible and ME to have you be so pissed off at? Yea i get that you trusted me and i went off, yet when you are upset and are afraid of suffocating him you come to me and i listen give my advice, and i may hate him but that had nothing to do with me going off. He crossed the line with me, so when you decide to be unpissed off and realize he was wrong to you can stop blaming me lemme know., cause this is childish. Sorry im more mature than you. becuase i take responsibility for my actions and he kept pushing. but thats right he can do no wrong....

In a nut shell im tired of the one being blamed when people argue. I have had a horrid day, and you  decide to yell at me because i am the one who was wrong? yeah ok...

Bumps In This Road We Call Life...

Your mom has been there since you were born, She fed you, changed you stayed up all night when you had colic, cleaned up your vomit when you ate lasagna cause your lactose intolerant, made sure you had your bubble bath every night before bed and never failed to read you a bed time story. When it cane time for school she would cook you breakfast, help you pick out outfits and make sure you had lunch and walk with you till you got to the end of the bushes cause you were embarrassed to be seen at the bus stop with your mommy in tow, the day you wanted to wear your big girl button pants even though you couldn't unbutton them and you ended up wetting your pants, she brought you clean ones and promised not to tell your brothers. when you get home shes the smiling face you see waiting to hear all about your day, wipes your tears when your new best friend has found someone else yet she knows by tomorrow everything will be fine but she gives you an extra cookie anyway. She still tucks you in every-night and makes sure your home works done.


You get to junior high and all you can imagine is FREEDOM from mommy breathing over your shoulder, yet the day you start your period who do you can from the bathroom stall balling your eyes out cause your favorite jeans you believe are ruined? Your mom. She comes to the rescue and when you get home your pants are all saved and clean folded on top  of a new box of pads and tampons, welcome to being a  woman. Who else could you depend on in that moment of need? Mom. She still makes your lunch but you start purposefully forgetting it cause its embarrassing to be seen bringing a lunch from home. You dont make the Volleyball team so mom says "Try for Football"  so you go for it, who knows you better than your own mom right? You become the only girl on the Varsity team, she ran the water for a hot bath after a long practice and even bakes cookies for the team on game days she was your biggest cheerleader yet you never let anyone know.

High School, the best times of your life,  drivers license, prom, Friday night games, hanging out with friends, times you will never forget.instead of wanting to shy away from people  and go back in your shell mom was always there to tell you to go out there and make her proud, band was your life being a band nerd is nothing to be ashamed about, coming home and showing her the new music you have to learn for the concert next week was the high light of your day she understood, she was your best friend, pal, confidante, the one person who would never turn their back on you. Instead of being a normal high school teenager you spent friday nights at home, unless you had to go to the game for band, weekends you hung out with your mom and baked, did laundry and cleaned. Spending time with mom you always took it for granted. When the "love of your life" breaks up with you she was the one who made you an ice cream sundae at 10 at night cause she couldn't sleep cause she was worried, stayed up late during hunting season and watched scary movies while the boys were at elk camp. When your best friend starts ignoring you and hanging out with other people and you are so sad and feel like you have no friends she is there to wipe your tears and tell you everything is okay. and that she will come around and you will be there because your a good person.

Now comes the time when life starts having those bumps, so mom  has kidney failure, had arteries replaced in her neck, muscle deterioration, Highly resistant Staph infection, she can barely get around and her heart is shutting down, and doctors say she can't stand another surgery if she had the surgery then she will die on the table if she doesn't then she will die, so its a check mate, just have to wait it out, And she even had the nerve to sign A DNR (do not resuscitate) I start to think about all the times i would blow her off to hang out with friends instead of baking or doing laundry, She doesn't have much longer and that's something that was seriously put into reality for me today, I honestly never really thought i would have to think about losing my mom so young, i expected her to be around when i had a baby, come to my wedding and we could make plans for  the nursery and help me pick names, and themes, and just be there when i had the baby, teach me to be a good mom. be my back bone and support. She kept me together and took care of me. I honestly don't know how i will handle not having my mom to call when i cant figure out how to cook something, or just am bored and need someone to talk to. The strongest woman i know has now come to sleeping almost 20 outa 24 hours cant get out of bed, and is out of breath when she gets up to let the dogs out.

The toughest part, is how can I be ok Without her? I know i will always have my brothers but how are we going to be able to go on without the strongest woman we have ever met, she raised us right we wont let her down, were strong, i just don't wanna say good bye, my biggest fear, she will pass before i can say good bye. I wont be there to hold her and and tell her i love you, i'm here so you can go now.
I love my mom, Dont EVER Miss a chance to tell her that now, I know anyday i could get that phone call shes gone. And i am afraid when i hang up from talking to her it might be the last, but i have to be strong, and hold on, god knows, my brother and dad cant hold themselves together...

Making Amends

I Don't feel like i will ever feel Genuinely happy again, So many things have changed, i'm not the same person as i was. I let people walk all over me, i smile when i wanna cry. i yell when im hurt and want to be left alone, i fake happiness so people don't ask whats wrong because i have been taught to hide my emotions. i don't know how to be the girl who depends on someone all the time for everything, makes me feel completely worthless. I  feel like i haven't accomplished anything in my life. I let everyone down. No body has supported my decision joining the army i lost So many people, but since that was my life maybe its better they are not in my life anymore, well whatever i try to move on and be ok but you can only fake happiness so long before you feel like you are a fake all the time. I am working toward being back to happy, but i feel i need to make amends and i don't  know if i am ready I Don't expect my apologies to be accepted i want them to be known. i have to come to terms with what i did. and move on best i can.

Suicide Is Not Painless.

You think that you couldn't manage to keep living. Do you know what you did to the people you left behind? No matter what we said we would  be here for you, We knew something was up and you refused to talk about it, leaving you alone that night was the worst thing ever. You were the one who was always the rock, you needed me and i walked away figured you'd be alright, turns out it was the complete opposite you needed me but were to strong, to ask me to stay. I would do anything for you to be back, Battles we were battle buddies i trusted you with my darkest secrets you were there. why didn't i stay for you.  I care. I still Care. You are selfish. You gave up fighting because you were sad, or mad. I kept fighting YOU DON'T GET TO QUIT. You don't realize how responsible others feel, we were right there. the whole time while you silently crumpled to pieces, Giving up is not an option.
You don't get to back down from a fight. We are always here, Open up you need us more than ever. We aren't going anywhere,