Making Amends

I Don't feel like i will ever feel Genuinely happy again, So many things have changed, i'm not the same person as i was. I let people walk all over me, i smile when i wanna cry. i yell when im hurt and want to be left alone, i fake happiness so people don't ask whats wrong because i have been taught to hide my emotions. i don't know how to be the girl who depends on someone all the time for everything, makes me feel completely worthless. I  feel like i haven't accomplished anything in my life. I let everyone down. No body has supported my decision joining the army i lost So many people, but since that was my life maybe its better they are not in my life anymore, well whatever i try to move on and be ok but you can only fake happiness so long before you feel like you are a fake all the time. I am working toward being back to happy, but i feel i need to make amends and i don't  know if i am ready I Don't expect my apologies to be accepted i want them to be known. i have to come to terms with what i did. and move on best i can.

Suicide Is Not Painless.

You think that you couldn't manage to keep living. Do you know what you did to the people you left behind? No matter what we said we would  be here for you, We knew something was up and you refused to talk about it, leaving you alone that night was the worst thing ever. You were the one who was always the rock, you needed me and i walked away figured you'd be alright, turns out it was the complete opposite you needed me but were to strong, to ask me to stay. I would do anything for you to be back, Battles we were battle buddies i trusted you with my darkest secrets you were there. why didn't i stay for you.  I care. I still Care. You are selfish. You gave up fighting because you were sad, or mad. I kept fighting YOU DON'T GET TO QUIT. You don't realize how responsible others feel, we were right there. the whole time while you silently crumpled to pieces, Giving up is not an option.
You don't get to back down from a fight. We are always here, Open up you need us more than ever. We aren't going anywhere,